I realized after 21 years of parenting; I was stressing over my kids not doing what they should way more then they were. In fact, they did very little stressing about any of my requests. A few of my nagging issues include leaving lights on when they leave a room. I have gone through the cost of electricity and not being wasteful with energy, over and over again. Clothes being left in the bathroom after showering has also been an ongoing issue. Worn socks in the corner of the living room, halls, kitchen. What are they doing just dropping the socks as they walk up the stairs or kitchen? Seriously, worn socks in weird places in my home. Shoes everywhere but the closet. It’s like they couldn’t wait to take their shoes off and they drop them at one of the six entrances. Sometimes shoes would be worn up until the carpet starts and dropped. All these things may not be a big deal with one kid or two. But we have six kids dropping shoes, socks, and leaving lights on. My college student isn’t home very often so actually five sets of everything. I developed the following strategies to keep me sane and ultimately to create a behavior change in my kids
1. Family Meeting with Large White Board
I shared with my kids that we were going to discuss things we need to do to be responsible people and training one another up to be future responsible adults. Then I asked, “What are some positive behaviors we should have in our home?” They began sharing ideas. When they couldn’t think of anymore ideas, I would ask, “What do you think about pushing your chair in after your done eating.” They would agree and I would write it down. It continued like this until all the positive behaviors I desired them to have were on the left side of the board.
Next part of the discussion were consequences. If someone doesn’t maintain the positive behaviors then they will choose a consequence from the board. I asked them what they felt would be good consequences. They began listing off ideas while I wrote them on the right side of the board. When the conversation lulled I would ask them, “What do you think about brushing the dogs for 20 minutes?” They would agree. This continued until I had all the consequences on the board. They felt they had ownership over the plan because they were apart of the process.
2. Rules for the Plan
I need to clarify this does not replace their chores. My kids have chores they need to do just because they are apart of the family. They each need to maintain our household on a daily basis.
All week each consequence is done once except brushing and exercising dogs(which may be done daily). So the bathroom can’t be cleaned by all five kids, and the rest of the consequences remain undone. Every week the plan starts over. On Sunday night, I erase all the marks on the consequences, and we start over. Sometimes we add positive behaviors and consequences if the kids have a suggestion. I also make revisions to our whiteboard on Sunday nights, if needed. If they earned a consequence, after 7 pm, then they do their consequence the next day. I don’t like it to interfere with the bedtime procedures. The kids put their names next to the consequence, so I know who needs to do their consequence. They check the box after the consequence is complete. I add a few extra things to my teenagers, such as if their phone is not put up before bed, then they don’t get to use it the next day. They are not allowed to be on their electronics or play with toys until the consequence is complete. This is an important step!
3. Accountability
The success of this strategy is accountability. Parents we need to be strong! My kids were doing consequences by the masses the first week. I held them accountable, and they learned it was easier to display positive behaviors than to do consequences. Some kids take longer than others, but it is such a beautiful thing to have consistent positive behaviors without nagging.
Kids will keep their siblings accountable as well. They help me find the ones who left the light on so I know who deserves the consequence. They begin to become my accountability partners in parenting. I love it!!!!
Caution: If you begin reminding them, then some children will simply forget the positive behaviors until they are reminded. If they get caught and someone reminds them of their mishap, then they will quickly correct only to avoid a consequence. The goal is to get them proficient in displaying positive behaviors without being reminded. An instant consequence will eventually solve the forgetfulness. Trust me!
4. Revisit Board
I went on a trip with my husband and when I returned I needed to revisit the board. Individually and as a whole group whatever is needed in order for each child to understand and remember positive behaviors they needed to exhibit. This procedure is done more often for the youngest child.
You may need different boards for different children in the same family. For example, a four year old may need pictures for positive behaviors and consequences. Teenagers tend to come with their own set of expectations. Below I share a video showing the positive behaviors and consequences for ideas. I use one board for five kids ranging from seven to eighteen. I add a few specifics for age groups within the same board.
5. No Negative Emotion Needed
You no longer need to get upset when the dirty socks are on the living room floor. Simply say, “Johnny, you left your socks on the floor instead of the dirty clothes hamper. Sign up for a consequence.” If it is before 7:00 pm then they do the chore right away. If they start to complain about it than remind them that they helped develop positive behaviors. If they continue to complain, they are violating the positive behaviors. If they continue, they get another consequence.
Another scenario may be at night they are taking a shower and they left their clothes in the bathroom and head for bed. I simply say,”You left your clothes on the bathroom floor go sign up for a consequence. You can do it tomorrow after school.” If they have a fit then they need another consequence. The first and second week I had a child doing several consequences a day. After the third week she figured out it was easier to simply exhibit positive behaviors.
Quality in fulfilling the consequences vary depending on the ages and personalities of my children. My older children, I expect quality work, but the younger children have more slack. If I know they can do a better job, I use that as an educational moment and explain or demonstrate the correct level of the task. Then they need to complete the job correctly.
6. Love those kids!
Hugs, kisses, and extra validation is probably one of the best strategies to use while helping your child choose positive behaviors. I intentionally call our their positive behaviors. I express how proud I am of them. I tell them that God is so proud of them. I show my love when they get a consequence as well because their consequence isn’t coming from me being upset they aren’t making good choices. Their consequence is they need to do work. Their pain not mine. I can simply love on them no matter what and they will reap the consequences from their behavior whether good or bad!
Thank you for spending time researching ideas for parenting strategies. We are blessed to have children to care for and help them grow. Check out my videos on www.Expert-Mom.com. Be a part of the family, Subscribe!
