Parenting Strategies

Protect our Kids from Manipulation

What if we educated our children to spot manipulation, call out the culprit, and put an end to verbal abuse before it becomes a problem? What if we taught our children these skills when they begin socializing? What if they understood manipulation just as well as saying the ABC’s? This is what I have been doing with my two youngest girls. In fact, my youngest came home today sharing how she was manipulated on the bus. She is a novice at speaking up about verbal abuse so I continue to take her through a five-step process, which you will find below. She began to explain she had to give her ball to Liza (altered name) on the bus. I asked her, “Why?” She said, “Liza told me she would draw on my face with her black Sharpe.” My daughter said, “I didn’t give it to her. Then she started to tell me she would draw circles on my cheeks, lines on my forehead, a triangle around my nose, and a mustache. After my daughter heard that she quickly gave her ball away to Liza. She was manipulated to do something she didn’t want to do. This may not have big consequences in the first grade but my goal is to help her to stand up for herself because someday manipulation can have huge life-altering consequences. Every time my children experience manipulation I go through the five-step process.

My oldest daughter went through a lot of friend drama from kindergarten through high school, much of it was the result of manipulation. She is a senior in college and is wise beyond her years as a result of friendship trauma. My two eight-year-olds began experiencing friend drama in kindergarten. I have become more proactive in educating my two youngest girls about recognizing and putting a stop to manipulation. I will share with you 5 tactics on how a child can minimize, if not eliminate harmful relationships, resulting from manipulation.

Stop Manipulation — Building strong girls!

Define

Children need to learn the definition of manipulation and real-life examples. The definition in the webster dictionary states, “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.” I share with my children a manipulator is thinking about themself and what they want and are not concerned about others feelings. An example would be your friend wants your ball. You don’t want to give it to her. So your friend threatens to write all over your face with a permanent marker. Your friend is not caring about you. She is only concerned about getting something from you that doesn’t belong to her. This is showing she doesn’t really care about you and will be mean to get what she wants. Defining manipulation and using examples my child comprehends is the first step in arming them from this dysfunctional behavior.

Discern

Children are oftentimes already self-centered but children should learn how to recognize people that override others’ feelings in an ungracious way for their gain. Understanding when they are being manipulated is a big part of putting an end to it. I will point out any time I hear they are being manipulated to my children so they can easily discern when it happens to them. I will point out the manipulation in the movies we watch. Anytime someone is sharing a story where manipulation takes place I always call it out. The more real-life example my kids hear the easier it is to discern when it happens to them.

Disclose

I encourage my children to call out manipulation when it is being done either to them or to others. Bringing the dysfunction into the light is a step in stopping it from continuing. Exposing the manipulation will help the perpetrator understand that you know what they are doing and it’s not OK! Role-playing this with your children will give them experience in dealing with this injustice when it occurs. For instance, I told my daughter that she needed to tell her friend on the bus that she was trying to manipulate her. Then I told her, “Tell your friend that she was showing she didn’t care about your feelings if she was willing to be mean to get what she wanted.” Then I asked my daughter to pretend I was her friend and show me what she should have said to her friend when she manipulated her. Through that process, I gave her ideas in helping with her response.

Dissolve

I want my children to take a stand against people trying to emotionally abuse them. After they disclose the manipulation then they need to tell the offender, “I am not ok with your manipulation tactic and it must stop.” Give your child permission and boldness to demand the negative behavior to stop! Hopefully, the emotional abuse stops but if it continues even after your child disclosed and attempted to dissolve the behavior they may need to get an adult for help. Manipulation that continues is a form of bullying and it is not ok for any child to be bullied. If your child tries to tell an adult and they do nothing about it then the parent must get involved by contacting the organization and talk to the teacher, principal or leader in charge. If this doesn’t solve the problem, you may consider a lawyer.

Grace

Teaching my youngest to have grace has been an ongoing lesson for a few years now. There are times we don’t want our children to hang around toxic children but for the most part, they simply need to learn correct behaviors. Eight years old is a time to learn how to be nice and what not to do to avoid ruining relationships. When my daughter says, “I told them I no longer want to be friends.” I dig deeper to find out why she has no grace for her friend. Sometimes if a child continues emotional abuse behaviors around my daughter then yes it is best to hang out with other friends. More often then not her friend simply needs to be called out on her dysfunctional behavior and be warned you won’t put up with that in their friendship. Creating healthy boundaries is an important skill to teach your children. Boundaries and grace combined is a recipe for a healthy relationship.

A big role in parenting is coaching them through relationship challenges. When your child experiences manipulation I encourage you to pull out the 4D’s and close with grace. Define, Discern, Disclose, and Dissolve the manipulation should help your child be confident and stand up for her/his right to an environment free from bullying.

Be Blessed and Love those Kids!!!!!!

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Apologies and Behavior Change

The challenge of getting your child to apologize is real! Not only apologize but to feel it at a heart level. There are a few steps I walk my children through to help them to make a genuine apology and a behavior change.

Step 1: Ask them to apologize if they don’t freely do it on their own. This is the beginning of behavior change but some kids need prompting. Even if someone gets hurt and they didn’t do it, I encourage my children to say sorry and help them feel better. It shows that you care and that you have empathy for others.

Step 2: Help your child to understand the impact of their behavior has on others. Explain how behaviors hurt others and ask, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” If the person they hurt is available I have them express their feelings. This can make a huge impact when it comes from the person who was hurt.

Step 3: Find a replacement action that is appropriate. I ask my child what they feel would have been a better choice. Role-playing the expected positive behavior can make an impact as well. I oftentimes talk about consequences from school or the law, with my older children. For example, if my child punched someone, I explain that it’s assault and if it was in school you would be suspended from school. The police can arrest people for assault. It would go on your record and remain with you for the rest of your lives. Every time you apply for a job or rent a house a background check is made and your future employee would see you have an assault charge. I want my child to understand the impact their actions can make on their lives and their future.

Sometimes repetition of this process for the same actions may need to be made until they understand. Empathy for others should be a big goal in order to make a behavior change. The younger a child understands this process the easier it will be when they are older. Enjoy this stage! Soon they will be thanking you for all of your interventions. Love those kids!

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The Nag-Free Project

I realized after 21 years of parenting; I was stressing over my kids not doing what they should way more then they were. In fact, they did very little stressing about any of my requests. A few of my nagging issues include leaving lights on when they leave a room. I have gone through the cost of electricity and not being wasteful with energy, over and over again. Clothes being left in the bathroom after showering has also been an ongoing issue. Worn socks in the corner of the living room, halls, kitchen. What are they doing just dropping the socks as they walk up the stairs or kitchen? Seriously, worn socks in weird places in my home. Shoes everywhere but the closet. It’s like they couldn’t wait to take their shoes off and they drop them at one of the six entrances. Sometimes shoes would be worn up until the carpet starts and dropped. All these things may not be a big deal with one kid or two. But we have six kids dropping shoes, socks, and leaving lights on. My college student isn’t home very often so actually five sets of everything. I developed the following strategies to keep me sane and ultimately to create a behavior change in my kids

1. Family Meeting with Large White Board

I shared with my kids that we were going to discuss things we need to do to be responsible people and training one another up to be future responsible adults. Then I asked, “What are some positive behaviors we should have in our home?” They began sharing ideas. When they couldn’t think of anymore ideas, I would ask, “What do you think about pushing your chair in after your done eating.” They would agree and I would write it down. It continued like this until all the positive behaviors I desired them to have were on the left side of the board.

Next part of the discussion were consequences. If someone doesn’t maintain the positive behaviors then they will choose a consequence from the board. I asked them what they felt would be good consequences. They began listing off ideas while I wrote them on the right side of the board. When the conversation lulled I would ask them, “What do you think about brushing the dogs for 20 minutes?” They would agree. This continued until I had all the consequences on the board. They felt they had ownership over the plan because they were apart of the process.

2. Rules for the Plan

I need to clarify this does not replace their chores. My kids have chores they need to do just because they are apart of the family. They each need to maintain our household on a daily basis.

All week each consequence is done once except brushing and exercising dogs(which may be done daily). So the bathroom can’t be cleaned by all five kids, and the rest of the consequences remain undone. Every week the plan starts over. On Sunday night, I erase all the marks on the consequences, and we start over. Sometimes we add positive behaviors and consequences if the kids have a suggestion. I also make revisions to our whiteboard on Sunday nights, if needed. If they earned a consequence, after 7 pm, then they do their consequence the next day. I don’t like it to interfere with the bedtime procedures. The kids put their names next to the consequence, so I know who needs to do their consequence. They check the box after the consequence is complete. I add a few extra things to my teenagers, such as if their phone is not put up before bed, then they don’t get to use it the next day. They are not allowed to be on their electronics or play with toys until the consequence is complete. This is an important step!

3. Accountability

The success of this strategy is accountability. Parents we need to be strong! My kids were doing consequences by the masses the first week. I held them accountable, and they learned it was easier to display positive behaviors than to do consequences. Some kids take longer than others, but it is such a beautiful thing to have consistent positive behaviors without nagging.

Kids will keep their siblings accountable as well. They help me find the ones who left the light on so I know who deserves the consequence. They begin to become my accountability partners in parenting. I love it!!!!

Caution: If you begin reminding them, then some children will simply forget the positive behaviors until they are reminded. If they get caught and someone reminds them of their mishap, then they will quickly correct only to avoid a consequence. The goal is to get them proficient in displaying positive behaviors without being reminded. An instant consequence will eventually solve the forgetfulness. Trust me!

4. Revisit Board

I went on a trip with my husband and when I returned I needed to revisit the board. Individually and as a whole group whatever is needed in order for each child to understand and remember positive behaviors they needed to exhibit. This procedure is done more often for the youngest child.

You may need different boards for different children in the same family. For example, a four year old may need pictures for positive behaviors and consequences. Teenagers tend to come with their own set of expectations. Below I share a video showing the positive behaviors and consequences for ideas. I use one board for five kids ranging from seven to eighteen. I add a few specifics for age groups within the same board.

5. No Negative Emotion Needed

You no longer need to get upset when the dirty socks are on the living room floor. Simply say, “Johnny, you left your socks on the floor instead of the dirty clothes hamper. Sign up for a consequence.” If it is before 7:00 pm then they do the chore right away. If they start to complain about it than remind them that they helped develop positive behaviors. If they continue to complain, they are violating the positive behaviors. If they continue, they get another consequence.

Another scenario may be at night they are taking a shower and they left their clothes in the bathroom and head for bed. I simply say,”You left your clothes on the bathroom floor go sign up for a consequence. You can do it tomorrow after school.” If they have a fit then they need another consequence. The first and second week I had a child doing several consequences a day. After the third week she figured out it was easier to simply exhibit positive behaviors.

Quality in fulfilling the consequences vary depending on the ages and personalities of my children. My older children, I expect quality work, but the younger children have more slack. If I know they can do a better job, I use that as an educational moment and explain or demonstrate the correct level of the task. Then they need to complete the job correctly.

6. Love those kids!

Hugs, kisses, and extra validation is probably one of the best strategies to use while helping your child choose positive behaviors. I intentionally call our their positive behaviors. I express how proud I am of them. I tell them that God is so proud of them. I show my love when they get a consequence as well because their consequence isn’t coming from me being upset they aren’t making good choices. Their consequence is they need to do work. Their pain not mine. I can simply love on them no matter what and they will reap the consequences from their behavior whether good or bad!

Thank you for spending time researching ideas for parenting strategies. We are blessed to have children to care for and help them grow. Check out my videos on www.Expert-Mom.com. Be a part of the family, Subscribe!

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