Mental Health | Expert-Mom

Work or Stay home – A Parent’s Choice

I was a working mom in a demanding job for the first five years of my first born’s life. I loved my career as an Assistant Principal but it was tough keeping up with the demands of my job when my heart was at home. I eventually remarried. I left my career when I became pregnant with my third child. I was excited to be a stay at home mom. I soon realized it was easier to go to work than be at home with three young children. When I became a full-time mom, I didn’t realize how demanding a 5-year-old, 2-year-old and an infant could be. I sold my 1800 Square foot home and moved into a 900 square foot home with no garage. Not having a garage with a small home is a big deal. Where do you put everything? Babies come with a lot of stuff! Plus, I had a hoarding issue that my husband would soon come to realize. I was determined to not leave my third baby in child care so the adventure began! Leaving my amazing staff, which I had grown to love, and stepping into full-time motherhood was an adventure. From my heart, I will share with you five advantages of sending your kids to childcare and five advantages to staying home.

Benefits of a Working Mom

Personal Development: Focusing on your goals and development while someone else is focusing on your babies helps you to advance personally, as well as in your career. I enjoyed having concentrated 8 to 10 hour days at work to accomplish running an excellent education program. A huge benefit was the friendships I developed throughout my career. Relationships are developed when you are working to accomplish the same goal. I am so thankful for the people I met during my career.

Finances: I was also single the majority of my daughters’ first 5 years so I didn’t have a choice. I needed to support us. If you have a husband supporting the family your income could help with vacations, a big garage, and/or vital expenses. Your children may experience vacations that will build on their character and create beautiful memories. You may be able to afford music lessons, dance classes, hockey, and all those extracurricular activities that cost a fortune.

Growth of your child: Children become socialized and learn skills they may not have learned if they stayed home with their parents. My daughter was a manners queen! She was learning manners that I would have never thought to teach her. She also was immersed in preschool from birth until 5 years old. She was Miss Smarty Pants and she knew it! She developed friends she still talks to in her twenties. Potty training was easy because she was going potty with a group of friends in the same stage and it was a cool thing to do. I certainly couldn’t have provided that type of experience.

Time Management: I was determined to have quality time with my daughter and son when I came home from work and on weekends. I was intentional with planning quality time, events, and activities. Every minute counted!

Our own sanity: Sometimes it’s just better someone else helps raise your child due to the lack of patience or desire. An unhappy stay at home parent is not fun for babies. A parent with regrets is also usually not fun for a baby unless you can hide it. Playing blocks, changing diapers, wiping noses, and continually serving others is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Benefits of a Stay at Home Mom

Time: Having time to shop for groceries, do laundry, and exercise are big bonuses to staying home with your children. While I was working it was a mad dash through the store trying to get everything I needed before I had to pick the kids up from childcare. As a stay at home mom, shopping is often a full morning event. Having time to exercise is a great benefit to staying home! Exercising while pushing a stroller or playing on the playground is a great workout. I can do laundry throughout the week instead of spending the weekend doing laundry.

Friends: I was able to meet and spend time with other moms that I would visit with at athletic and school events when the kids were older. I was involved with MOPS, Moms Club, and Moms in Prayer. I developed beautiful relationships with women through these activities.

Witness the first steps: You are the one to teach your child their first step, their first bite of food, their first words, and the first time they dress themself. As a result of being their first teacher, you get to see the fruit of your labor. For some people, this is an extremely important joy of parenting. I have never been big on making a big deal of my child’s firsts, although it was exciting. My firstborn did most of her firsts while in child care and I was simply happy she was advancing.

Volunteer: Volunteering for your child’s school can be a big help for the teachers. I volunteer for personal reasons. I enjoy knowing who is who when my kids talk about people in their class. I also know which child obey’s the teacher and which ones are devious. Many times my advice relates to the information I found out through volunteering. The only children that I have been able to volunteer for in their class are my two youngest. My daughters are excited to see me helping in their classrooms. My daughter says it makes her feel I support her.

Freedom to help your kids: Sick days or picking up your sick child from school is a lot easier when you don’t work. Doctor appointments, taking gear to school, or a project they left at home becomes easy to accomplish when you’re a stay at home mom.

Excellent benefits in both options to work or stay home with your child. I think it all comes down to financial, personality, and desire. You may be able to afford to stay home but if you feel you lack patience or desire to grow in your career then staying home with your child is not for you. Sometimes we may have the desire to stay home but simply can’t afford it. I was in that situation and it simply didn’t matter what I desired, financially I had to work. While I stayed home I ended up working an amazing home business that bridged the financial gap. Whatever route you choose, embrace it and make the best of it!

Be Blessed and Love Those Kids!

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Protect our Kids from Manipulation

What if we educated our children to spot manipulation, call out the culprit, and put an end to verbal abuse before it becomes a problem? What if we taught our children these skills when they begin socializing? What if they understood manipulation just as well as saying the ABC’s? This is what I have been doing with my two youngest girls. In fact, my youngest came home today sharing how she was manipulated on the bus. She is a novice at speaking up about verbal abuse so I continue to take her through a five-step process, which you will find below. She began to explain she had to give her ball to Liza (altered name) on the bus. I asked her, “Why?” She said, “Liza told me she would draw on my face with her black Sharpe.” My daughter said, “I didn’t give it to her. Then she started to tell me she would draw circles on my cheeks, lines on my forehead, a triangle around my nose, and a mustache. After my daughter heard that she quickly gave her ball away to Liza. She was manipulated to do something she didn’t want to do. This may not have big consequences in the first grade but my goal is to help her to stand up for herself because someday manipulation can have huge life-altering consequences. Every time my children experience manipulation I go through the five-step process.

My oldest daughter went through a lot of friend drama from kindergarten through high school, much of it was the result of manipulation. She is a senior in college and is wise beyond her years as a result of friendship trauma. My two eight-year-olds began experiencing friend drama in kindergarten. I have become more proactive in educating my two youngest girls about recognizing and putting a stop to manipulation. I will share with you 5 tactics on how a child can minimize, if not eliminate harmful relationships, resulting from manipulation.

Stop Manipulation — Building strong girls!

Define

Children need to learn the definition of manipulation and real-life examples. The definition in the webster dictionary states, “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.” I share with my children a manipulator is thinking about themself and what they want and are not concerned about others feelings. An example would be your friend wants your ball. You don’t want to give it to her. So your friend threatens to write all over your face with a permanent marker. Your friend is not caring about you. She is only concerned about getting something from you that doesn’t belong to her. This is showing she doesn’t really care about you and will be mean to get what she wants. Defining manipulation and using examples my child comprehends is the first step in arming them from this dysfunctional behavior.

Discern

Children are oftentimes already self-centered but children should learn how to recognize people that override others’ feelings in an ungracious way for their gain. Understanding when they are being manipulated is a big part of putting an end to it. I will point out any time I hear they are being manipulated to my children so they can easily discern when it happens to them. I will point out the manipulation in the movies we watch. Anytime someone is sharing a story where manipulation takes place I always call it out. The more real-life example my kids hear the easier it is to discern when it happens to them.

Disclose

I encourage my children to call out manipulation when it is being done either to them or to others. Bringing the dysfunction into the light is a step in stopping it from continuing. Exposing the manipulation will help the perpetrator understand that you know what they are doing and it’s not OK! Role-playing this with your children will give them experience in dealing with this injustice when it occurs. For instance, I told my daughter that she needed to tell her friend on the bus that she was trying to manipulate her. Then I told her, “Tell your friend that she was showing she didn’t care about your feelings if she was willing to be mean to get what she wanted.” Then I asked my daughter to pretend I was her friend and show me what she should have said to her friend when she manipulated her. Through that process, I gave her ideas in helping with her response.

Dissolve

I want my children to take a stand against people trying to emotionally abuse them. After they disclose the manipulation then they need to tell the offender, “I am not ok with your manipulation tactic and it must stop.” Give your child permission and boldness to demand the negative behavior to stop! Hopefully, the emotional abuse stops but if it continues even after your child disclosed and attempted to dissolve the behavior they may need to get an adult for help. Manipulation that continues is a form of bullying and it is not ok for any child to be bullied. If your child tries to tell an adult and they do nothing about it then the parent must get involved by contacting the organization and talk to the teacher, principal or leader in charge. If this doesn’t solve the problem, you may consider a lawyer.

Grace

Teaching my youngest to have grace has been an ongoing lesson for a few years now. There are times we don’t want our children to hang around toxic children but for the most part, they simply need to learn correct behaviors. Eight years old is a time to learn how to be nice and what not to do to avoid ruining relationships. When my daughter says, “I told them I no longer want to be friends.” I dig deeper to find out why she has no grace for her friend. Sometimes if a child continues emotional abuse behaviors around my daughter then yes it is best to hang out with other friends. More often then not her friend simply needs to be called out on her dysfunctional behavior and be warned you won’t put up with that in their friendship. Creating healthy boundaries is an important skill to teach your children. Boundaries and grace combined is a recipe for a healthy relationship.

A big role in parenting is coaching them through relationship challenges. When your child experiences manipulation I encourage you to pull out the 4D’s and close with grace. Define, Discern, Disclose, and Dissolve the manipulation should help your child be confident and stand up for her/his right to an environment free from bullying.

Be Blessed and Love those Kids!!!!!!

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Love Unconditionally

Love Unconditionally! I think it would be easy for a child to feel that love from others is conditional. When a child shows an excellent report card to their parents they will hear accolades. A poor report card may result in discipline. When they do a great job cleaning their room they will hear wonderful compliments but if they did a poor job they need to go back and finish the job. Deep down some children may feel they need to do good things to gain love from others. To counterbalance this preconceived notion I am intentional with my love. Here are five methods I use to show unconditional love:

Our words should build a child up. The power of the tongue can create confidence, hope, joy, and growth if used positively. Unfortunately, the tongue can be the catalyst to depression, discontentment, or a poor self-image if used negatively. Teachers, parents, counselors, relatives, and role models have the power to help mold a child into who they will become. We need to be accountable for our words and speak life into our children.
Love through actions as well as words! Spend time together, write little notes, carve out time for special activities. Actions make one feel chosen. Being chosen makes parents love feel authentic. I remember when I was a kid and they would choose teams for a sport and hoping I wouldn’t be chosen last. The relief of being chosen by a captain was huge but sadness for the last few was tremendous. We all want to feel chosen. When we spend time with our child we are choosing them over other responsibilities or pleasures. Let’s make our children feel chosen!
Love even when you don’t want to! A child that is strongwilled, independent, or lacking my values may be tough to deal with at times but I will continue to love without reservations. I remember one cold winter morning my 3-year-old wanted to wear tennis shoes instead of boots in the snow. The morning rush is intense when you need to get five kids to school. I was frustrated because she was so adamant about her choice of footwear. I gave up then I gave her a coat to wear and she chose a different lighter jacket. I explained she needed to make sure she was warm at preschool. Again very adamant she had the best choice. I didn’t want to raise my voice at my daughter because that is a personal goal I was working on mastering. I turned and left the mudroom and slammed the door. I was clearly frustrated! Suddenly I hear my kids screaming water and I opened the door and the water filtration system had fallen off the wall and the water lines broke off and water was shooting everywhere. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to turn the water to the house off. As a result of me losing my temper and slamming the door, I spent hours fixing the problem and missing MOPS. As I was mopping and vacuuming up water I continually thought about how I needed to show unconditional love to my independent child. My prayer at times has been, “Help me to see my child as You do. Help me to love my child as You do.” It may need to come from the strength of God not my own. All things are possible through Jesus (Phil. 4:13).
Discipline without shaming. Your goal is to help your child to make better choices when you discipline. Be careful you are not tearing them down for their actions but rather give the power to be successful next time. The Nag-Free Project is great at taking the conditional love out of discipline. Here is the video for that approach.
Help your child to understand God’s love is unconditional. So many people interpret a relationship with God simply means following rules. Legalism is another term for this concept, which is far from correct. God loves us so much He sent Jesus to die for us so we could be in a relationship with him. God wants our love. He has chosen us. He loves us even when we reject him. As parents, it is tough to be rejected by your own child but we still love them with our whole heart. (Ephesians 1:4-6)

Loving unconditionally helps build a strong foundation in our children. If a child doesn’t feel unconditionally loved they may not be at peace. They may search and search for unconditional love. As parents, we can help them feel secure and loved no matter how they behave. Love even when you don’t feel like it!

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Healthy Identity = Healthy Child

Behaviors often stem from a child’s view of their identity. Some children are confident and will not waiver from outside influences. Others may be easily impacted by words or thoughts that can tear their sweet spirit. As parents, we can build up or tear down our child’s identity. We have a tremendous duty to ignite the flame in our child and create growth and confidence in who they are as a person. I am going to share 5 areas I focus on to develop a strong identity in my children.

Our children have a strong need to be loved unconditionally. It is the foundation of building a healthy identity. Our words should build our child up with love. Love through actions as well as words. Love even when you don’t want to. Help your child to understand how God loves them unconditionally. Check out my video on Unconditional Love.
Help them to explore and develop their talents. Each child has gifts that they will use to impact the world. While my children are young I allow them to play a variety of sports, arts, music lessons, and anything else they express an interest in. As they get older the activities taper off to fit their abilities and desires. Be careful not to let their whole identity get wrapped up in their sport, music, or the arts. Their talent is only one aspect of their identity.
Creating a mindset of positive thinking is essential to a healthy identity. A child living in a ‘half-empty cup’ world is being robbed of their true potential. Growth in identity is stunted when a child dwells on negativity. I am quick to correct my child when they see things in a negative light. This can be a weak point in certain personalities. My child that exhibits the negative mindset simply needs coaching on seeing the positive and being thankful for their blessings.
Role model a healthy identity. Children simply learn more from our actions than our words. It is how we are wired. As parents, we need to develop a healthy identity in order to help our children to do the same. When we get on a plane, they tell us to put our oxygen mask on before our children. We need oxygen to be effective to help others get oxygen. Become the person you desire your children to model. This point has been a tremendous driver for me in becoming a parent that God can be proud of. In order for me to maintain a healthy identity, I need to study the bible, be in prayer and spend time in worship.
Help them to understand they are royalty. The other day my youngest came to me upset because some kids were mean to her. My heart hurt for her and I hugged her and I wanted to run-up to the kids and tell them how rude they were. Instead of going with my instincts, I took on this opportunity to equip my child to endure and conquer diversity. Helping my child develop the correct mindset is more valuable than teaching the mean kids a lesson. I bent down and looked at my beautiful, innocent child in the eyes and spoke with authority. “You are a child of a God that created the world and every living thing in it. You are a princess of our almighty God! He designed every part of you in His image. God made a masterpiece when He created you. God is the one and only King and you are His princess. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! God loves and adores you. You are going to do amazing things in your lifetime. Embrace God and forgive and pray for the mean kids. Now are you going to believe those kids or are you going to embrace the truth of your existence?” After my pep talk, I gave her time to talk about her thoughts and if she was allowing negativity to seep into her mind I would counter it with a positive.

A healthy identity in your child is truly a link to peace in one’s mind. As parents providing unconditional love, encouraging them to develop their talents, and helping them to develop a positive mindset are a few areas we should focus to develop. Helping a child to understand they are royalty provides a deeper understanding of life itself. Above all, Love those kids!

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