Category: Infertility & Adoption

I have adopted two of our six children. Many people share their interest in adopting and others will share their reasons for not adopting when the topic arises. It has been interesting listening to all of these responses for nearly two decades. I am sharing five of the common reasons why people feel adoption is not for them, as well as, why we still made the leap.

1. I want my child to look like me. I totally understand this feeling because I felt the same way. I gave birth to two girls and both of them look like their daddy. Ironically, our youngest adopted child actually looks like me. Even if you give birth to a child you are not guaranteed to get a mini-me. Although my bio girls, don’t physically look like me they have many of my personality traits. Raising children is such a complex task that looking alike becomes trivial.
2. I’m afraid I won’t love them the same as my bio kids. This has been the most frequent response when someone shares their reason for not adopting. A friend was sharing a concern about her adoption that may shed some light on this reason not to adopt. Her adopted son loved to build like her husband. When the dad went outside to build the adopted son grabbed his hammer (a gift from his adopted dad) and helped with enthusiasm. As a result, their father and son relationship blossomed. Their bio son, which was close in age, didn’t like to go outside and would rather play his musical instruments. His dad couldn’t relate to the activities his son enjoyed. His dad simply needed to find other ways to relate and bond with his biological son. For me, each child has a special designated love spot in my heart. I have a different relationship with each child. Each relationship grows unique and deep. As loving parents, we find ways to connect and grow our relationships with each child. I can’t stress enough that the love for each child is unique to that child. I feel we each have an unlimited amount of love to share, we simply need to tap into it. Worst case scenario, let’s say you don’t bond with your adopted child. Your family will bond and love your adopted child fiercely. That child will add joy but also you will save a life by adopting.
3. Adoption costs too much. International adoption can be very expensive. I adopted my son from Guatemala 18 years ago. I was single and I had a heart for orphans. I took out a loan and the same week my friend/co-worker took a loan out for a motorcycle for the same amount. Through the years have I wondered I should have bought the motorcycle instead of adopting. Absolutely Not! For me taking a loan out to save a child was more than worth it! I also had a huge tax break for adopting. Adopting through the foster care system, which was our second adoption, is another story. The state pays you to care for your child and after adoption, you may receive a stipend to pay for their needs.
4. I’m afraid the adopted child will take time away from spending with my bio kids. A child deserves your time. Children need to feel like they are important. Spending time with them gives them a sense of security, love, and value. We spend very little time with only one child at a time. Some families do date nights with their kids. I love that idea but with six kids we simply do things together. I usually have a few children with me while doing activities. I am careful to make sure I know about each child’s day. I question each child about their friends, their activities, and school. These conversations occur while we are all together. Each person contributes to each person’s insight. As a former teacher, I find it easy to spend quality time with our children together. Our adopted children enrich and add elements of excitement to our family.
5. I’m too selfish to adopt a child. When I was around eight years old my mother came to me and asked if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I said, “No, I don’t want to share my toys and I want to be the baby of the family.” I am shocked to this day that I told my mom that. I oftentimes think as an adult it would have been cool to have a sister. I simply didn’t understand how much fun a younger sibling would have been. As a parent, your desires change when a child is in your life. Usually, you desire to do activities with your child. If you have a good support system playing tag team helps with pursuing your own activities. Your child stays with the other parent while you play hockey. Your friends watch your kids when you go out on the town. I have a friend that takes turns with her friend watching each other’s children for date nights.

Adoption is not for everyone but sometimes people have fears that are simply not true. I believe when we are weak, God will be strong. I have grown and continue to grow as a person through our adoptions. We are beyond blessed to have these amazing children in our lives. We are truly the hands of Jesus in the lives of our children. We made the decision as a family to stand in the gap for two children that will forever change all of our lives. Be Blessed and Love Those Kids!

Many couples face infertility but are left with a desire to raise a child of their own. As a mom who has adopted two children adoption is an excellent solution. There are so many children that need a parent to call their own. Many infertile parents who have adopted have shared they are thankful for their infertility. As a result of their situation, they have become parents to orphans, which would have never happened. Stepping in the gap for a child and calling them our own is the closest analogy to what God has done for us. In my youngest adopted child bedtime prayers, she asks God to help kids without parents to be adopted by good parents. Every night when I hear her pour out her heart to God, it reminds me of the immense need for people to step up and fill that void in a child’s life. I know for us we stepped up because there was a need for our little girl to have her own dad and mom. Through stepping into that gap our family has been so blessed. She has brought so much joy to our home. She fits in just like a missing puzzle piece. Many people mention how lucky she is to have our family adopt her but really we are the lucky ones to have her in our family!

Infertility can be devastating but what if it was a way to encourage us into becoming parents to an orphan. What if it was simply there to change our direction of building a family. Courtney Dye is an example of this directional change in creating a family. Here is a portion of her amazing testimony.

“My mom had 5 kids. We all had different dads. I’m the 4th born. I was placed in foster care at a very young age. I believe I was 4 the first time I went into the system. I had some great foster parents & I had some things happen in foster care that wasn’t ideal. My siblings and I were always split up because no one has room for a set of five kids. Well everyone but me and David. We’re the youngest two. In case you didn’t know its much easier to find placement for a 4 year old and a newborn. My oldest brother is 13 years older than me and finding a home for him was hard. Not because he did anything wrong but because of his age and the fact he’s a boy. Anyways, when I was 13 I went to the shelter and my little brother David stayed in our old foster home. This is the first time we had been split up but it had to happen. I was at the shelter a lot. Its where you go in between foster homes and when you first get taken from your parents and wait for placement. There was a new worker there. She was young. She already knew about me before I got there. She tried not to make it obvious but showed extra attention to me and I noticed. I had been there for 3 days when she finally asked if she could talk to me outside. We went and sat on the porch steps and she explained to me that she and her husband had been married for 7 years. They got married in high school. They started trying for a baby but couldn’t have one. So now they were looking to adopt. She wanted a baby…. Until she met me. You see, she knew my mom’s rites had just been terminated and I was placed on the adoption list. She asked if I wanted to go home with her that day? I told her I wasn’t going to call her mom because I already had one. She said it was fine. Well a week goes by and here I am calling her mom and him dad because that’s how they loved me; like a mom and dad. They made me feel safe. They told me I would never go to another foster home ever again. And then they adopted my little brother David. 🖤 A couple of years after that they adopted my little (not my biological but biological to each other) brother and sister Mical & Brittany. They are amazing parents and people in general. They didn’t birth me but they’re my mom and dad. They raised me. Y’all ready to hear what Jesus did? 7 years after adopting me my mom and I END UP PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME. You read that right. My mom that had unexplained infertility adopted 4 kids because she couldn’t conceive and then wound up pregnant. You see how God works?! His plan… Not your own. I now have an 8-year-old little brother and I also have an 8-year-old son.

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Now let’s not forget my biological mom. Just because she had 5 kids with 5 different men, cooked dope, got high, lost her kids and went to prison doesn’t mean God didn’t have a plan for her life. The same year I got adopted my bio mom got saved in prison. I didn’t know this at the time because I wasn’t allowed to contact her until I was 18. Anyhow, she found God in prison. When she got out of prison she was given $1500 from my grandparents for an apartment. Instead of doing that she got all the necessary things in order to become a faith-based sober living home for women coming out of prison or in lieu of going to prison. THE SAME JUDGE THAT TOOK MY MOMMAS RIGHTS AWAY AND SENT HER TO PRISON NOW SENTENCES WOMEN TO MY MOMS PROGRAM INSTEAD OF JAIL. My siblings and I were split up and endured some difficult things in life but in the end, over 3,000 kids in the state of Oklahoma have avoided having their mom go to prison. Plus those children ended up with a clean, sober, productive mom to come home to!! God is so good. I have such a good relationship with both of my moms. They’re both attentive grandmas and they love and respect one another for doing what the other couldn’t.

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Ps. My mom is pregnant again and due in December with another little brother, we will call Grayson.

Ps! There are children praying to God every day for a home. Consider becoming a foster parent. Be an answer to a child’s prayer. Be a place they can learn about God. Be a reason they believe.”

Courtney’s biological mom is such a beautiful example of Isaiah 61:3. God gives “beauty for ashes. The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (New King James Version) I love the way Courtney states, “doesn’t mean God didn’t have a plan for her life.” Sometimes we forget about the biological parents due to the dysfunction. God loves them and desires for them to reach their destiny, too.

Her adopted mom is a beautiful example of altering the creation of her family due to infertility. A woman or man anticipating having their own child finds out they are barren can be devastating but God knows what He is doing. Putting the puzzle pieces together can be challenging but so satisfying when it’s complete!

What?!?! Are you really saying infertility can be a blessing? Yep, I sure am. It may be temporary or permanent but seek God in the direction He desires for you. Sometimes it may not be the correct timing for your child to grace us with his/her presence. Only God knows the reasons. Seek God for wisdom.