What if we educated our children to spot manipulation, call out the culprit, and put an end to verbal abuse before it becomes a problem? What if we taught our children these skills when they begin socializing? What if they understood manipulation just as well as saying the ABC’s? This is what I have been doing with my two youngest girls. In fact, my youngest came home today sharing how she was manipulated on the bus. She is a novice at speaking up about verbal abuse so I continue to take her through a five-step process, which you will find below. She began to explain she had to give her ball to Liza (altered name) on the bus. I asked her, “Why?” She said, “Liza told me she would draw on my face with her black Sharpe.” My daughter said, “I didn’t give it to her. Then she started to tell me she would draw circles on my cheeks, lines on my forehead, a triangle around my nose, and a mustache. After my daughter heard that she quickly gave her ball away to Liza. She was manipulated to do something she didn’t want to do. This may not have big consequences in the first grade but my goal is to help her to stand up for herself because someday manipulation can have huge life-altering consequences. Every time my children experience manipulation I go through the five-step process.
My oldest daughter went through a lot of friend drama from kindergarten through high school, much of it was the result of manipulation. She is a senior in college and is wise beyond her years as a result of friendship trauma. My two eight-year-olds began experiencing friend drama in kindergarten. I have become more proactive in educating my two youngest girls about recognizing and putting a stop to manipulation. I will share with you 5 tactics on how a child can minimize, if not eliminate harmful relationships, resulting from manipulation.
Define
Children need to learn the definition of manipulation and real-life examples. The definition in the webster dictionary states, “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.” I share with my children a manipulator is thinking about themself and what they want and are not concerned about others feelings. An example would be your friend wants your ball. You don’t want to give it to her. So your friend threatens to write all over your face with a permanent marker. Your friend is not caring about you. She is only concerned about getting something from you that doesn’t belong to her. This is showing she doesn’t really care about you and will be mean to get what she wants. Defining manipulation and using examples my child comprehends is the first step in arming them from this dysfunctional behavior.
Discern
Children are oftentimes already self-centered but children should learn how to recognize people that override others’ feelings in an ungracious way for their gain. Understanding when they are being manipulated is a big part of putting an end to it. I will point out any time I hear they are being manipulated to my children so they can easily discern when it happens to them. I will point out the manipulation in the movies we watch. Anytime someone is sharing a story where manipulation takes place I always call it out. The more real-life example my kids hear the easier it is to discern when it happens to them.
Disclose
I encourage my children to call out manipulation when it is being done either to them or to others. Bringing the dysfunction into the light is a step in stopping it from continuing. Exposing the manipulation will help the perpetrator understand that you know what they are doing and it’s not OK! Role-playing this with your children will give them experience in dealing with this injustice when it occurs. For instance, I told my daughter that she needed to tell her friend on the bus that she was trying to manipulate her. Then I told her, “Tell your friend that she was showing she didn’t care about your feelings if she was willing to be mean to get what she wanted.” Then I asked my daughter to pretend I was her friend and show me what she should have said to her friend when she manipulated her. Through that process, I gave her ideas in helping with her response.
Dissolve
I want my children to take a stand against people trying to emotionally abuse them. After they disclose the manipulation then they need to tell the offender, “I am not ok with your manipulation tactic and it must stop.” Give your child permission and boldness to demand the negative behavior to stop! Hopefully, the emotional abuse stops but if it continues even after your child disclosed and attempted to dissolve the behavior they may need to get an adult for help. Manipulation that continues is a form of bullying and it is not ok for any child to be bullied. If your child tries to tell an adult and they do nothing about it then the parent must get involved by contacting the organization and talk to the teacher, principal or leader in charge. If this doesn’t solve the problem, you may consider a lawyer.
Grace
Teaching my youngest to have grace has been an ongoing lesson for a few years now. There are times we don’t want our children to hang around toxic children but for the most part, they simply need to learn correct behaviors. Eight years old is a time to learn how to be nice and what not to do to avoid ruining relationships. When my daughter says, “I told them I no longer want to be friends.” I dig deeper to find out why she has no grace for her friend. Sometimes if a child continues emotional abuse behaviors around my daughter then yes it is best to hang out with other friends. More often then not her friend simply needs to be called out on her dysfunctional behavior and be warned you won’t put up with that in their friendship. Creating healthy boundaries is an important skill to teach your children. Boundaries and grace combined is a recipe for a healthy relationship.
A big role in parenting is coaching them through relationship challenges. When your child experiences manipulation I encourage you to pull out the 4D’s and close with grace. Define, Discern, Disclose, and Dissolve the manipulation should help your child be confident and stand up for her/his right to an environment free from bullying.
Be Blessed and Love those Kids!!!!!!