I have adopted two of our six children. Many people share their interest in adopting and others will share their reasons for not adopting when the topic arises. It has been interesting listening to all of these responses for nearly two decades. I am sharing five of the common reasons why people feel adoption is not for them, as well as, why we still made the leap.
- I want my child to look like me. I totally understand this feeling because I felt the same way. I gave birth to two girls and both of them look like their daddy. Ironically, our youngest adopted child actually looks like me. Even if you give birth to a child you are not guaranteed to get a mini-me. Although my bio girls, don’t physically look like me they have many of my personality traits. Raising children is such a complex task that looking alike becomes trivial.
- I’m afraid I won’t love them the same as my bio kids. This has been the most frequent response when someone shares their reason for not adopting. A friend was sharing a concern about her adoption that may shed some light on this reason not to adopt. Her adopted son loved to build like her husband. When the dad went outside to build the adopted son grabbed his hammer (a gift from his adopted dad) and helped with enthusiasm. As a result, their father and son relationship blossomed. Their bio son, which was close in age, didn’t like to go outside and would rather play his musical instruments. His dad couldn’t relate to the activities his son enjoyed. His dad simply needed to find other ways to relate and bond with his biological son. For me, each child has a special designated love spot in my heart. I have a different relationship with each child. Each relationship grows unique and deep. As loving parents, we find ways to connect and grow our relationships with each child. I can’t stress enough that the love for each child is unique to that child. I feel we each have an unlimited amount of love to share, we simply need to tap into it. Worst case scenario, let’s say you don’t bond with your adopted child. Your family will bond and love your adopted child fiercely. That child will add joy but also you will save a life by adopting.
- Adoption costs too much. International adoption can be very expensive. I adopted my son from Guatemala 18 years ago. I was single and I had a heart for orphans. I took out a loan and the same week my friend/co-worker took a loan out for a motorcycle for the same amount. Through the years have I wondered I should have bought the motorcycle instead of adopting. Absolutely Not! For me taking a loan out to save a child was more than worth it! I also had a huge tax break for adopting. Adopting through the foster care system, which was our second adoption, is another story. The state pays you to care for your child and after adoption, you may receive a stipend to pay for their needs.
- I’m afraid the adopted child will take time away from spending with my bio kids. A child deserves your time. Children need to feel like they are important. Spending time with them gives them a sense of security, love, and value. We spend very little time with only one child at a time. Some families do date nights with their kids. I love that idea but with six kids we simply do things together. I usually have a few children with me while doing activities. I am careful to make sure I know about each child’s day. I question each child about their friends, their activities, and school. These conversations occur while we are all together. Each person contributes to each person’s insight. As a former teacher, I find it easy to spend quality time with our children together. Our adopted children enrich and add elements of excitement to our family.
- I’m too selfish to adopt a child. When I was around eight years old my mother came to me and asked if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I said, “No, I don’t want to share my toys and I want to be the baby of the family.” I am shocked to this day that I told my mom that. I oftentimes think as an adult it would have been cool to have a sister. I simply didn’t understand how much fun a younger sibling would have been. As a parent, your desires change when a child is in your life. Usually, you desire to do activities with your child. If you have a good support system playing tag team helps with pursuing your own activities. Your child stays with the other parent while you play hockey. Your friends watch your kids when you go out on the town. I have a friend that takes turns with her friend watching each other’s children for date nights.
Adoption is not for everyone but sometimes people have fears that are simply not true. I believe when we are weak, God will be strong. I have grown and continue to grow as a person through our adoptions. We are beyond blessed to have these amazing children in our lives. We are truly the hands of Jesus in the lives of our children. We made the decision as a family to stand in the gap for two children that will forever change all of our lives. Be Blessed and Love Those Kids!