Expert-Mom

Work or Stay home – A Parent’s Choice

I was a working mom in a demanding job for the first five years of my first born’s life. I loved my career as an Assistant Principal but it was tough keeping up with the demands of my job when my heart was at home. I eventually remarried. I left my career when I became pregnant with my third child. I was excited to be a stay at home mom. I soon realized it was easier to go to work than be at home with three young children. When I became a full-time mom, I didn’t realize how demanding a 5-year-old, 2-year-old and an infant could be. I sold my 1800 Square foot home and moved into a 900 square foot home with no garage. Not having a garage with a small home is a big deal. Where do you put everything? Babies come with a lot of stuff! Plus, I had a hoarding issue that my husband would soon come to realize. I was determined to not leave my third baby in child care so the adventure began! Leaving my amazing staff, which I had grown to love, and stepping into full-time motherhood was an adventure. From my heart, I will share with you five advantages of sending your kids to childcare and five advantages to staying home.

Benefits of a Working Mom

Personal Development: Focusing on your goals and development while someone else is focusing on your babies helps you to advance personally, as well as in your career. I enjoyed having concentrated 8 to 10 hour days at work to accomplish running an excellent education program. A huge benefit was the friendships I developed throughout my career. Relationships are developed when you are working to accomplish the same goal. I am so thankful for the people I met during my career.

Finances: I was also single the majority of my daughters’ first 5 years so I didn’t have a choice. I needed to support us. If you have a husband supporting the family your income could help with vacations, a big garage, and/or vital expenses. Your children may experience vacations that will build on their character and create beautiful memories. You may be able to afford music lessons, dance classes, hockey, and all those extracurricular activities that cost a fortune.

Growth of your child: Children become socialized and learn skills they may not have learned if they stayed home with their parents. My daughter was a manners queen! She was learning manners that I would have never thought to teach her. She also was immersed in preschool from birth until 5 years old. She was Miss Smarty Pants and she knew it! She developed friends she still talks to in her twenties. Potty training was easy because she was going potty with a group of friends in the same stage and it was a cool thing to do. I certainly couldn’t have provided that type of experience.

Time Management: I was determined to have quality time with my daughter and son when I came home from work and on weekends. I was intentional with planning quality time, events, and activities. Every minute counted!

Our own sanity: Sometimes it’s just better someone else helps raise your child due to the lack of patience or desire. An unhappy stay at home parent is not fun for babies. A parent with regrets is also usually not fun for a baby unless you can hide it. Playing blocks, changing diapers, wiping noses, and continually serving others is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Benefits of a Stay at Home Mom

Time: Having time to shop for groceries, do laundry, and exercise are big bonuses to staying home with your children. While I was working it was a mad dash through the store trying to get everything I needed before I had to pick the kids up from childcare. As a stay at home mom, shopping is often a full morning event. Having time to exercise is a great benefit to staying home! Exercising while pushing a stroller or playing on the playground is a great workout. I can do laundry throughout the week instead of spending the weekend doing laundry.

Friends: I was able to meet and spend time with other moms that I would visit with at athletic and school events when the kids were older. I was involved with MOPS, Moms Club, and Moms in Prayer. I developed beautiful relationships with women through these activities.

Witness the first steps: You are the one to teach your child their first step, their first bite of food, their first words, and the first time they dress themself. As a result of being their first teacher, you get to see the fruit of your labor. For some people, this is an extremely important joy of parenting. I have never been big on making a big deal of my child’s firsts, although it was exciting. My firstborn did most of her firsts while in child care and I was simply happy she was advancing.

Volunteer: Volunteering for your child’s school can be a big help for the teachers. I volunteer for personal reasons. I enjoy knowing who is who when my kids talk about people in their class. I also know which child obey’s the teacher and which ones are devious. Many times my advice relates to the information I found out through volunteering. The only children that I have been able to volunteer for in their class are my two youngest. My daughters are excited to see me helping in their classrooms. My daughter says it makes her feel I support her.

Freedom to help your kids: Sick days or picking up your sick child from school is a lot easier when you don’t work. Doctor appointments, taking gear to school, or a project they left at home becomes easy to accomplish when you’re a stay at home mom.

Excellent benefits in both options to work or stay home with your child. I think it all comes down to financial, personality, and desire. You may be able to afford to stay home but if you feel you lack patience or desire to grow in your career then staying home with your child is not for you. Sometimes we may have the desire to stay home but simply can’t afford it. I was in that situation and it simply didn’t matter what I desired, financially I had to work. While I stayed home I ended up working an amazing home business that bridged the financial gap. Whatever route you choose, embrace it and make the best of it!

Be Blessed and Love Those Kids!

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Seasons in Parenting

Seasons change while parenting. I have had the pleasure of parenting every stage. I will briefly describe my highlights of each stage. The older I become the quicker time seems to fly by. Enjoy each stage because before you realize it you will be onto the next stage.

While parenting an infant, I was in zombie mode, much of the time. I was often in a sleep-deprived state of mind, while changing an infant, nursing, bottle feeding, but still adoring and bonding with our precious baby. I adored my infant’s little body and the bonding was intense during this season. For me, this season went fast and memories fade of the details of the first few months. On my last birth, my niece stayed with us for a week and helped out! It was such a blessing to have someone tend to the baby while I took care of other things. This is the season to accept people’s generosity and ask for help! One time two friends from church showed up and cleaned my house while I napped with my baby. Contributing to balance during a time of change is such a blessing to the new mom. Reaching out to your friends with an infant can become a huge help during a significant sleep-deprived season.

The season of parenting my baby was an intense whirlwind of loving, adoring, and connecting to my child. My love affair grew deep and intense with each baby. Learning my child’s rhythm of sleep, bowel movements, hunger became my goal. Babies are completely dependent on their needs met during this season, which can be challenging. Especially if you have a vocal one who screams if they are not fed the instant they are ready. One of the joys of this stage is being able to dress them in whatever outfit you choose, unless of course if they kick off the shoes or throw off the hat. Enjoy this freedom of parenting because one day you will not be able to choose your child’s outfits.

The season of toddlers brings exploring, learning, and exercise! I loved the freedom to broaden our adventures during the toddler years, although several years I still had a baby in the pack. The excitement of learning and seeing things for the first time is exhilarating. I loved providing opportunities to help my child’s mind grow and develop. This season can also bring on the challenge of tantrums. You may begin to realize your child isn’t as perfect as you thought they were.

The season of preschoolers brings on a sense of independence and a zest for learning. Depending on their personality you may no longer have a choice as to what they wear. My boys wore whatever I gave them to wear until 6th grade but my biological girls wanted to be the ones to decide on their own outfits. My last adopted girl thankfully let me dress her in cute outfits during this stage. Children in this season are genuinely concrete and literal in their thoughts. Sarcasm and joking may need to be explained or completely avoided. My dad worked very hard to teach my children sarcasm during this phase. The kids loved it once they understood sarcasm and could point it out. Socialization and education is such an important aspect during the preschool years. Hopefully, you won’t go through the strong independent 3-year-old streak like I had to. Storytime becomes meaningful during these years and they begin to take on reading the book themself! Children begin to share their emotions freely whether about themself or the person next to you.

The season of elementary years is filled with learning, athletics, music lessons, and growth in every area. I love being able to go on bike rides, hikes through the deep forest, skiing, and inner tubing on the back of the boat. Elementary years open up all sorts of ventures. Each child has their own interests and we try to find activities to develop those areas. Many times it is trial and error in the younger years. Usually by 5th grade they know which sports, instrument, and dance classes they prefer but not always. My son discovered he loves lacrosse in the 9th grade. As a mom, I am providing opportunities for them to grow and it is a blast watching!!!! It is the best entertainment watching our children perform after working hard in a discipline. Simply a complete joy! Discipline needs to be established during these years. I developed the Nag Free Project which helped me maintain discipline within my home. You can see that whole process in my youtube video. The elementary years are filled with innocence and hopefully, the cares of the world do not rest on the elementary years of our children. Gradually as they reach their teen years their view of their parents being the best in the world may be altered.

The season of teenagers is a beautiful stage or it can be challenging depending on which kid I am parenting. Two of my kids were difficult at age 14 but they came back around. I have a youtube video with my son called, Surviving Huge Differences with my Teen. The teenage years are filled with excitement for the future. Dreams begin to formulate that will help direct our child’s future. I love the teen years! In fact, I worked at a junior high and high school for a decade so I have quite a bit of experience! A gradual release of responsibilities to my teen is an exciting phase. I love watching my children begin to take on adult responsibilities. My goal is to make the transition to adulthood smooth and positive.

The season of adult children is a stage I am new to. My oldest is a senior in college and my nineteen-year-old recently graduated high school. My daughter in college has become my best friend. I love that I am no longer responsible for disciplining her. We are free to be ourselves in every way around each other. It can be challenging at times when her behaviors do not reflect how she was raised but she is her own person, accountable for her own actions! I am looking forward to many more exciting years in this season!

Seasons come and go not only with our weather but our children too. Every stage has wonderful developments that become even more special being a part of it. When I hit a challenging stage I pray for guidance and deal with the issues. So far most difficult issues have been a phase and it soon irons its way out. Loving our children unconditionally continues to be key in helping our children grow through each season.

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Protect our Kids from Manipulation

What if we educated our children to spot manipulation, call out the culprit, and put an end to verbal abuse before it becomes a problem? What if we taught our children these skills when they begin socializing? What if they understood manipulation just as well as saying the ABC’s? This is what I have been doing with my two youngest girls. In fact, my youngest came home today sharing how she was manipulated on the bus. She is a novice at speaking up about verbal abuse so I continue to take her through a five-step process, which you will find below. She began to explain she had to give her ball to Liza (altered name) on the bus. I asked her, “Why?” She said, “Liza told me she would draw on my face with her black Sharpe.” My daughter said, “I didn’t give it to her. Then she started to tell me she would draw circles on my cheeks, lines on my forehead, a triangle around my nose, and a mustache. After my daughter heard that she quickly gave her ball away to Liza. She was manipulated to do something she didn’t want to do. This may not have big consequences in the first grade but my goal is to help her to stand up for herself because someday manipulation can have huge life-altering consequences. Every time my children experience manipulation I go through the five-step process.

My oldest daughter went through a lot of friend drama from kindergarten through high school, much of it was the result of manipulation. She is a senior in college and is wise beyond her years as a result of friendship trauma. My two eight-year-olds began experiencing friend drama in kindergarten. I have become more proactive in educating my two youngest girls about recognizing and putting a stop to manipulation. I will share with you 5 tactics on how a child can minimize, if not eliminate harmful relationships, resulting from manipulation.

Stop Manipulation — Building strong girls!

Define

Children need to learn the definition of manipulation and real-life examples. The definition in the webster dictionary states, “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.” I share with my children a manipulator is thinking about themself and what they want and are not concerned about others feelings. An example would be your friend wants your ball. You don’t want to give it to her. So your friend threatens to write all over your face with a permanent marker. Your friend is not caring about you. She is only concerned about getting something from you that doesn’t belong to her. This is showing she doesn’t really care about you and will be mean to get what she wants. Defining manipulation and using examples my child comprehends is the first step in arming them from this dysfunctional behavior.

Discern

Children are oftentimes already self-centered but children should learn how to recognize people that override others’ feelings in an ungracious way for their gain. Understanding when they are being manipulated is a big part of putting an end to it. I will point out any time I hear they are being manipulated to my children so they can easily discern when it happens to them. I will point out the manipulation in the movies we watch. Anytime someone is sharing a story where manipulation takes place I always call it out. The more real-life example my kids hear the easier it is to discern when it happens to them.

Disclose

I encourage my children to call out manipulation when it is being done either to them or to others. Bringing the dysfunction into the light is a step in stopping it from continuing. Exposing the manipulation will help the perpetrator understand that you know what they are doing and it’s not OK! Role-playing this with your children will give them experience in dealing with this injustice when it occurs. For instance, I told my daughter that she needed to tell her friend on the bus that she was trying to manipulate her. Then I told her, “Tell your friend that she was showing she didn’t care about your feelings if she was willing to be mean to get what she wanted.” Then I asked my daughter to pretend I was her friend and show me what she should have said to her friend when she manipulated her. Through that process, I gave her ideas in helping with her response.

Dissolve

I want my children to take a stand against people trying to emotionally abuse them. After they disclose the manipulation then they need to tell the offender, “I am not ok with your manipulation tactic and it must stop.” Give your child permission and boldness to demand the negative behavior to stop! Hopefully, the emotional abuse stops but if it continues even after your child disclosed and attempted to dissolve the behavior they may need to get an adult for help. Manipulation that continues is a form of bullying and it is not ok for any child to be bullied. If your child tries to tell an adult and they do nothing about it then the parent must get involved by contacting the organization and talk to the teacher, principal or leader in charge. If this doesn’t solve the problem, you may consider a lawyer.

Grace

Teaching my youngest to have grace has been an ongoing lesson for a few years now. There are times we don’t want our children to hang around toxic children but for the most part, they simply need to learn correct behaviors. Eight years old is a time to learn how to be nice and what not to do to avoid ruining relationships. When my daughter says, “I told them I no longer want to be friends.” I dig deeper to find out why she has no grace for her friend. Sometimes if a child continues emotional abuse behaviors around my daughter then yes it is best to hang out with other friends. More often then not her friend simply needs to be called out on her dysfunctional behavior and be warned you won’t put up with that in their friendship. Creating healthy boundaries is an important skill to teach your children. Boundaries and grace combined is a recipe for a healthy relationship.

A big role in parenting is coaching them through relationship challenges. When your child experiences manipulation I encourage you to pull out the 4D’s and close with grace. Define, Discern, Disclose, and Dissolve the manipulation should help your child be confident and stand up for her/his right to an environment free from bullying.

Be Blessed and Love those Kids!!!!!!

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“Reasons I Would Not Adopt”

I have adopted two of our six children. Many people share their interest in adopting and others will share their reasons for not adopting when the topic arises. It has been interesting listening to all of these responses for nearly two decades. I am sharing five of the common reasons why people feel adoption is not for them, as well as, why we still made the leap.

I want my child to look like me. I totally understand this feeling because I felt the same way. I gave birth to two girls and both of them look like their daddy. Ironically, our youngest adopted child actually looks like me. Even if you give birth to a child you are not guaranteed to get a mini-me. Although my bio girls, don’t physically look like me they have many of my personality traits. Raising children is such a complex task that looking alike becomes trivial.
I’m afraid I won’t love them the same as my bio kids. This has been the most frequent response when someone shares their reason for not adopting. A friend was sharing a concern about her adoption that may shed some light on this reason not to adopt. Her adopted son loved to build like her husband. When the dad went outside to build the adopted son grabbed his hammer (a gift from his adopted dad) and helped with enthusiasm. As a result, their father and son relationship blossomed. Their bio son, which was close in age, didn’t like to go outside and would rather play his musical instruments. His dad couldn’t relate to the activities his son enjoyed. His dad simply needed to find other ways to relate and bond with his biological son. For me, each child has a special designated love spot in my heart. I have a different relationship with each child. Each relationship grows unique and deep. As loving parents, we find ways to connect and grow our relationships with each child. I can’t stress enough that the love for each child is unique to that child. I feel we each have an unlimited amount of love to share, we simply need to tap into it. Worst case scenario, let’s say you don’t bond with your adopted child. Your family will bond and love your adopted child fiercely. That child will add joy but also you will save a life by adopting.
Adoption costs too much. International adoption can be very expensive. I adopted my son from Guatemala 18 years ago. I was single and I had a heart for orphans. I took out a loan and the same week my friend/co-worker took a loan out for a motorcycle for the same amount. Through the years have I wondered I should have bought the motorcycle instead of adopting. Absolutely Not! For me taking a loan out to save a child was more than worth it! I also had a huge tax break for adopting. Adopting through the foster care system, which was our second adoption, is another story. The state pays you to care for your child and after adoption, you may receive a stipend to pay for their needs.
I’m afraid the adopted child will take time away from spending with my bio kids. A child deserves your time. Children need to feel like they are important. Spending time with them gives them a sense of security, love, and value. We spend very little time with only one child at a time. Some families do date nights with their kids. I love that idea but with six kids we simply do things together. I usually have a few children with me while doing activities. I am careful to make sure I know about each child’s day. I question each child about their friends, their activities, and school. These conversations occur while we are all together. Each person contributes to each person’s insight. As a former teacher, I find it easy to spend quality time with our children together. Our adopted children enrich and add elements of excitement to our family.
I’m too selfish to adopt a child. When I was around eight years old my mother came to me and asked if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I said, “No, I don’t want to share my toys and I want to be the baby of the family.” I am shocked to this day that I told my mom that. I oftentimes think as an adult it would have been cool to have a sister. I simply didn’t understand how much fun a younger sibling would have been. As a parent, your desires change when a child is in your life. Usually, you desire to do activities with your child. If you have a good support system playing tag team helps with pursuing your own activities. Your child stays with the other parent while you play hockey. Your friends watch your kids when you go out on the town. I have a friend that takes turns with her friend watching each other’s children for date nights.

Adoption is not for everyone but sometimes people have fears that are simply not true. I believe when we are weak, God will be strong. I have grown and continue to grow as a person through our adoptions. We are beyond blessed to have these amazing children in our lives. We are truly the hands of Jesus in the lives of our children. We made the decision as a family to stand in the gap for two children that will forever change all of our lives. Be Blessed and Love Those Kids!

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Infertility and A Desire for A Child

Many couples face infertility but are left with a desire to raise a child of their own. As a mom who has adopted two children adoption is an excellent solution. There are so many children that need a parent to call their own. Many infertile parents who have adopted have shared they are thankful for their infertility. As a result of their situation, they have become parents to orphans, which would have never happened. Stepping in the gap for a child and calling them our own is the closest analogy to what God has done for us. In my youngest adopted child bedtime prayers, she asks God to help kids without parents to be adopted by good parents. Every night when I hear her pour out her heart to God, it reminds me of the immense need for people to step up and fill that void in a child’s life. I know for us we stepped up because there was a need for our little girl to have her own dad and mom. Through stepping into that gap our family has been so blessed. She has brought so much joy to our home. She fits in just like a missing puzzle piece. Many people mention how lucky she is to have our family adopt her but really we are the lucky ones to have her in our family!

Infertility can be devastating but what if it was a way to encourage us into becoming parents to an orphan. What if it was simply there to change our direction of building a family. Courtney Dye is an example of this directional change in creating a family. Here is a portion of her amazing testimony.

“My mom had 5 kids. We all had different dads. I’m the 4th born. I was placed in foster care at a very young age. I believe I was 4 the first time I went into the system. I had some great foster parents & I had some things happen in foster care that wasn’t ideal. My siblings and I were always split up because no one has room for a set of five kids. Well everyone but me and David. We’re the youngest two. In case you didn’t know its much easier to find placement for a 4 year old and a newborn. My oldest brother is 13 years older than me and finding a home for him was hard. Not because he did anything wrong but because of his age and the fact he’s a boy. Anyways, when I was 13 I went to the shelter and my little brother David stayed in our old foster home. This is the first time we had been split up but it had to happen. I was at the shelter a lot. Its where you go in between foster homes and when you first get taken from your parents and wait for placement. There was a new worker there. She was young. She already knew about me before I got there. She tried not to make it obvious but showed extra attention to me and I noticed. I had been there for 3 days when she finally asked if she could talk to me outside. We went and sat on the porch steps and she explained to me that she and her husband had been married for 7 years. They got married in high school. They started trying for a baby but couldn’t have one. So now they were looking to adopt. She wanted a baby…. Until she met me. You see, she knew my mom’s rites had just been terminated and I was placed on the adoption list. She asked if I wanted to go home with her that day? I told her I wasn’t going to call her mom because I already had one. She said it was fine. Well a week goes by and here I am calling her mom and him dad because that’s how they loved me; like a mom and dad. They made me feel safe. They told me I would never go to another foster home ever again. And then they adopted my little brother David. 🖤 A couple of years after that they adopted my little (not my biological but biological to each other) brother and sister Mical & Brittany. They are amazing parents and people in general. They didn’t birth me but they’re my mom and dad. They raised me. Y’all ready to hear what Jesus did? 7 years after adopting me my mom and I END UP PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME. You read that right. My mom that had unexplained infertility adopted 4 kids because she couldn’t conceive and then wound up pregnant. You see how God works?! His plan… Not your own. I now have an 8-year-old little brother and I also have an 8-year-old son.

Courtney’s Adopted Mom

Now let’s not forget my biological mom. Just because she had 5 kids with 5 different men, cooked dope, got high, lost her kids and went to prison doesn’t mean God didn’t have a plan for her life. The same year I got adopted my bio mom got saved in prison. I didn’t know this at the time because I wasn’t allowed to contact her until I was 18. Anyhow, she found God in prison. When she got out of prison she was given $1500 from my grandparents for an apartment. Instead of doing that she got all the necessary things in order to become a faith-based sober living home for women coming out of prison or in lieu of going to prison. THE SAME JUDGE THAT TOOK MY MOMMAS RIGHTS AWAY AND SENT HER TO PRISON NOW SENTENCES WOMEN TO MY MOMS PROGRAM INSTEAD OF JAIL. My siblings and I were split up and endured some difficult things in life but in the end, over 3,000 kids in the state of Oklahoma have avoided having their mom go to prison. Plus those children ended up with a clean, sober, productive mom to come home to!! God is so good. I have such a good relationship with both of my moms. They’re both attentive grandmas and they love and respect one another for doing what the other couldn’t.

Courtney’s Bio Mom

Ps. My mom is pregnant again and due in December with another little brother, we will call Grayson.

Ps! There are children praying to God every day for a home. Consider becoming a foster parent. Be an answer to a child’s prayer. Be a place they can learn about God. Be a reason they believe.”

Courtney’s biological mom is such a beautiful example of Isaiah 61:3. God gives “beauty for ashes. The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (New King James Version) I love the way Courtney states, “doesn’t mean God didn’t have a plan for her life.” Sometimes we forget about the biological parents due to the dysfunction. God loves them and desires for them to reach their destiny, too.

Her adopted mom is a beautiful example of altering the creation of her family due to infertility. A woman or man anticipating having their own child finds out they are barren can be devastating but God knows what He is doing. Putting the puzzle pieces together can be challenging but so satisfying when it’s complete!

What?!?! Are you really saying infertility can be a blessing? Yep, I sure am. It may be temporary or permanent but seek God in the direction He desires for you. Sometimes it may not be the correct timing for your child to grace us with his/her presence. Only God knows the reasons. Seek God for wisdom.

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Love Unconditionally

Love Unconditionally! I think it would be easy for a child to feel that love from others is conditional. When a child shows an excellent report card to their parents they will hear accolades. A poor report card may result in discipline. When they do a great job cleaning their room they will hear wonderful compliments but if they did a poor job they need to go back and finish the job. Deep down some children may feel they need to do good things to gain love from others. To counterbalance this preconceived notion I am intentional with my love. Here are five methods I use to show unconditional love:

Our words should build a child up. The power of the tongue can create confidence, hope, joy, and growth if used positively. Unfortunately, the tongue can be the catalyst to depression, discontentment, or a poor self-image if used negatively. Teachers, parents, counselors, relatives, and role models have the power to help mold a child into who they will become. We need to be accountable for our words and speak life into our children.
Love through actions as well as words! Spend time together, write little notes, carve out time for special activities. Actions make one feel chosen. Being chosen makes parents love feel authentic. I remember when I was a kid and they would choose teams for a sport and hoping I wouldn’t be chosen last. The relief of being chosen by a captain was huge but sadness for the last few was tremendous. We all want to feel chosen. When we spend time with our child we are choosing them over other responsibilities or pleasures. Let’s make our children feel chosen!
Love even when you don’t want to! A child that is strongwilled, independent, or lacking my values may be tough to deal with at times but I will continue to love without reservations. I remember one cold winter morning my 3-year-old wanted to wear tennis shoes instead of boots in the snow. The morning rush is intense when you need to get five kids to school. I was frustrated because she was so adamant about her choice of footwear. I gave up then I gave her a coat to wear and she chose a different lighter jacket. I explained she needed to make sure she was warm at preschool. Again very adamant she had the best choice. I didn’t want to raise my voice at my daughter because that is a personal goal I was working on mastering. I turned and left the mudroom and slammed the door. I was clearly frustrated! Suddenly I hear my kids screaming water and I opened the door and the water filtration system had fallen off the wall and the water lines broke off and water was shooting everywhere. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to turn the water to the house off. As a result of me losing my temper and slamming the door, I spent hours fixing the problem and missing MOPS. As I was mopping and vacuuming up water I continually thought about how I needed to show unconditional love to my independent child. My prayer at times has been, “Help me to see my child as You do. Help me to love my child as You do.” It may need to come from the strength of God not my own. All things are possible through Jesus (Phil. 4:13).
Discipline without shaming. Your goal is to help your child to make better choices when you discipline. Be careful you are not tearing them down for their actions but rather give the power to be successful next time. The Nag-Free Project is great at taking the conditional love out of discipline. Here is the video for that approach.
Help your child to understand God’s love is unconditional. So many people interpret a relationship with God simply means following rules. Legalism is another term for this concept, which is far from correct. God loves us so much He sent Jesus to die for us so we could be in a relationship with him. God wants our love. He has chosen us. He loves us even when we reject him. As parents, it is tough to be rejected by your own child but we still love them with our whole heart. (Ephesians 1:4-6)

Loving unconditionally helps build a strong foundation in our children. If a child doesn’t feel unconditionally loved they may not be at peace. They may search and search for unconditional love. As parents, we can help them feel secure and loved no matter how they behave. Love even when you don’t feel like it!

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Healthy Identity = Healthy Child

Behaviors often stem from a child’s view of their identity. Some children are confident and will not waiver from outside influences. Others may be easily impacted by words or thoughts that can tear their sweet spirit. As parents, we can build up or tear down our child’s identity. We have a tremendous duty to ignite the flame in our child and create growth and confidence in who they are as a person. I am going to share 5 areas I focus on to develop a strong identity in my children.

Our children have a strong need to be loved unconditionally. It is the foundation of building a healthy identity. Our words should build our child up with love. Love through actions as well as words. Love even when you don’t want to. Help your child to understand how God loves them unconditionally. Check out my video on Unconditional Love.
Help them to explore and develop their talents. Each child has gifts that they will use to impact the world. While my children are young I allow them to play a variety of sports, arts, music lessons, and anything else they express an interest in. As they get older the activities taper off to fit their abilities and desires. Be careful not to let their whole identity get wrapped up in their sport, music, or the arts. Their talent is only one aspect of their identity.
Creating a mindset of positive thinking is essential to a healthy identity. A child living in a ‘half-empty cup’ world is being robbed of their true potential. Growth in identity is stunted when a child dwells on negativity. I am quick to correct my child when they see things in a negative light. This can be a weak point in certain personalities. My child that exhibits the negative mindset simply needs coaching on seeing the positive and being thankful for their blessings.
Role model a healthy identity. Children simply learn more from our actions than our words. It is how we are wired. As parents, we need to develop a healthy identity in order to help our children to do the same. When we get on a plane, they tell us to put our oxygen mask on before our children. We need oxygen to be effective to help others get oxygen. Become the person you desire your children to model. This point has been a tremendous driver for me in becoming a parent that God can be proud of. In order for me to maintain a healthy identity, I need to study the bible, be in prayer and spend time in worship.
Help them to understand they are royalty. The other day my youngest came to me upset because some kids were mean to her. My heart hurt for her and I hugged her and I wanted to run-up to the kids and tell them how rude they were. Instead of going with my instincts, I took on this opportunity to equip my child to endure and conquer diversity. Helping my child develop the correct mindset is more valuable than teaching the mean kids a lesson. I bent down and looked at my beautiful, innocent child in the eyes and spoke with authority. “You are a child of a God that created the world and every living thing in it. You are a princess of our almighty God! He designed every part of you in His image. God made a masterpiece when He created you. God is the one and only King and you are His princess. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! God loves and adores you. You are going to do amazing things in your lifetime. Embrace God and forgive and pray for the mean kids. Now are you going to believe those kids or are you going to embrace the truth of your existence?” After my pep talk, I gave her time to talk about her thoughts and if she was allowing negativity to seep into her mind I would counter it with a positive.

A healthy identity in your child is truly a link to peace in one’s mind. As parents providing unconditional love, encouraging them to develop their talents, and helping them to develop a positive mindset are a few areas we should focus to develop. Helping a child to understand they are royalty provides a deeper understanding of life itself. Above all, Love those kids!

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Your Teen Lands His First Job! A few ideas for parents to set your teen up for success.

We celebrated when our son secured his first job. He isn’t involved in sports or clubs so a job is an excellent way for him to grow as a person. So much is gained for our teenagers when they jump into the workforce. I wanted to set my son up for success and to ensure continued success. Here are five strategies to help your teen thrive in his new job but sometimes it may simply survive.

I talk to my son about the purpose of the income he earns. We believe in tithing our income, although my son doesn’t hold the same beliefs, I still shared with him this practice. His statement, “That’s not for me.”I encourage him to make goals, such as a vehicle, college, insurance, etc. I lay out how much we can help and how much he needs to save. Through this new job, we have been able to figure out college expenses, car expenses, as well as other responsibilities. I have been revisiting these expenses, and we have been doing research together for him to understand how much he needs to be saving. It has been a big eye-opener for him.
When I go to a store, I love it when people try to make their customers feel good. I encourage my son to go above what is expected and make people feel special. He has shared frustration about a lady that comes in at 10:59 pm every Friday when closing is at 11 pm. As he is leaving, I encourage him to be extra nice to the 10:59 pm customer. Taking this advice will help him be successful at his job, enjoy work, and make others happy.
I encourage my son to do his best. Nowadays, there are probably video cameras that can be viewed by his boss at any time. Technology is impressive at how well supervision on a business is very simple. I tell my son, “Act like your boss is standing next to you all the time.” I encourage him to do his best, so he can feel good he is applying himself to the best of his ability.
Be on top of your game! Transitioning from playing in the yard or going to school is much different than going to work. I encourage my son to wear clothes that are free from rips and holes. A few reminders include: “Trim your beard, brush your teeth, use deodorant, wear clean clothes, don’t write on your body, and don’t forget your smile.” I try not to overwhelm him with advise but I do give the ones that are applicable.
One area that teens may not understand is they are building their reputation. I share with him that future employees may contact his boss and ask about his performance. The importance of having great recommendations will impact future employment. Many teen jobs may be tedious, boring, monotonous, or just not fun. Through those moments I encourage my son to remember he is building his reputation.

My son smiles at me and is so gracious when I give him advice. I’m not sure if he is actually listening to me or thinking about what he is going to do with his friends. Just in case he is listening I want to do my best to help him to have the correct mindset for a successful first job experience.

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Goals and Incentives

My girls went on a children’s retreat and loved it! I was a chaperone, and it was the first kids’ retreat I’ve attended. They had fun games, a high energy band, a great speaker, and a genuinely caring environment. My girls walked away from the retreat with a goal they wanted to achieve to become a better person. One wanted to stop being jealous, and the other wanted to stop yelling at her sister. They decided they wanted to stop those behaviors for one month. If they could stop those behaviors for 30 days, then it would become a new habit. I suggested we should have an incentive when their challenge was over. We brainstormed possible motivators. After several ideas, I remembered the perfect incentive. The girls have wanted mermaid tails for a long time. The timing was perfect for mermaid tails, too. If they earned them it was just in time for summer.

I marked one month on the calendar. One day later, they both broke their goal. We started the end date over. Two days later they both broke their goal. We changed the end date. Now it’s been a week and they are currently sticking to their goal. I give hints to help remind the girls. When one girl gets frustrated with her sister and her face starts to turn red, I jump in and say, “Remember those mermaid tails. They are going to be so much fun playing with this summer.” She calms down and the three of us talk about her frustrations. The girls developed a sign language to remind each other.

The exciting part of this challenge is that the girls came up with the whole plan. I remembered the mermaid tails but other than that this was their strategy to make a behavior change. I sure hope we make it to a month. So far it looks like we will make it.

Rewind sixteen years ago and my two oldest were five and two years old. One was having a problem with wetting the bed and the other was having problems with potty training. I was at a lost as to how to help the bed wetter to stop. The two year old knew exactly what he was suppose to do but he was too lazy to go the the restroom. Both of them had specific ice cream cakes they loved. One wanted the princess ice cream cake and the other wanted a superhero cake! They talked about it often and it wasn’t in the budget to buy those cakes whenever we felt like eating one. I rarely use food for motivators because I don’t think it is developing a healthy relationship with food. In this case, I made an exception. They needed to be dry for 14 days to earn a cake. If they used their pants for a bathroom then I would re-start the 14 days. It took less then a month of re-starts and they finally finished the challenge. I was amazed at how the bed wetter stopped bed wetting because of a goal.

I encourage you to help your children to make some goals and incentives and watch behaviors change for the positive. Businesses use goals and incentives frequently in order to monitor and achieve success. We should be doing the same with our children. Enjoy and love those kids!

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Apologies and Behavior Change

The challenge of getting your child to apologize is real! Not only apologize but to feel it at a heart level. There are a few steps I walk my children through to help them to make a genuine apology and a behavior change.

Step 1: Ask them to apologize if they don’t freely do it on their own. This is the beginning of behavior change but some kids need prompting. Even if someone gets hurt and they didn’t do it, I encourage my children to say sorry and help them feel better. It shows that you care and that you have empathy for others.

Step 2: Help your child to understand the impact of their behavior has on others. Explain how behaviors hurt others and ask, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” If the person they hurt is available I have them express their feelings. This can make a huge impact when it comes from the person who was hurt.

Step 3: Find a replacement action that is appropriate. I ask my child what they feel would have been a better choice. Role-playing the expected positive behavior can make an impact as well. I oftentimes talk about consequences from school or the law, with my older children. For example, if my child punched someone, I explain that it’s assault and if it was in school you would be suspended from school. The police can arrest people for assault. It would go on your record and remain with you for the rest of your lives. Every time you apply for a job or rent a house a background check is made and your future employee would see you have an assault charge. I want my child to understand the impact their actions can make on their lives and their future.

Sometimes repetition of this process for the same actions may need to be made until they understand. Empathy for others should be a big goal in order to make a behavior change. The younger a child understands this process the easier it will be when they are older. Enjoy this stage! Soon they will be thanking you for all of your interventions. Love those kids!

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